sephet:

frootloopstruggle:

disteal:

arcticlucie:

jeremiebrett:

mixgoldenphoenix:

teashoesandhair:

peccaviofthesparrow:

doebarnes:

mugsandpugs:

jottingprosaist:

shredsandpatches:

hedwig-dordt:

naznomad:

martingoresangst:

Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month

this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life

You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex.

DO A BARREL ROLL

#in all my years of reading fic i have never encountered a sentence this terrible #did he just say that his dick smacked EVERY MUSCLE in her body except you know her vagina? #like I’MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CHEEK I’MMA SMACK YOU IN THE SHOULDER I’MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CALF #what is your dick doing?? #how do you think sex works morrissey??

Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS???

… guys

….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this?
“HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.”

… I mean. Comparatively…

Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts.

So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better.

@master-of-strings

OK so I’m sure people are aware of this, but just in case you’re not: there is an annual ‘award’ given every year by the Literary Review for bad sex scenes in fiction. The above entry (sorry) by Morrissey won this illustrious award in 2015 (and yes, he threw a massive tantrum about it, because he’s Morrissey):

The best part of this is that the 2016 nominations were just announced, and OH BOY, there are some absolute crackers this year:

And in case anyone is interested, these are some of the entries that Morrissey beat to the top prize last year:

I agree. We are spoilt by fanfiction. 

I don’t know who to laugh at more, the guy having an existential crisis before getting a blowjob or the one going, “Mmm. Papaya. Much more arousing than this nonsense.”

I will never fear about my porn again.

GO BACK TO SONGWRITING MORRISSEY

If I ever write anything this atrocious, please, someone, anyone, smack me upside the head.

Come, sonny boy

@sephet everything in this post is gold.

On days when I look at my writing and worry I have failed… I have not failed as hard as these people. jfc