As a fat person who is rarely ever complimented for my physical looks (aside from acceptable compliments for fat people), it drives me absolutely fucking bonkers when conventionally attractive people fish for compliments from me.
They’ve got a whole society that worships their body type and tells them that they’re inherently amazing, just for being born with a good metabolism and no hormonal (or other specific health) issues. But they’re gonna come to me and tell me how they don’t look good, or they feel ugly, or no one loves them, and I’m supposed to make them feel better.
I just want to tell them to open a fucking magazine, or turn on the tv. You’ll get to see virtually every person there looking similar to you. I didn’t see a positive role model (ie. not the butt of fat jokes) that was beautiful and funny and successful and that never had their body questioned and who looked like me till I saw Melissa McCarthy in The Heat (came out in 2013, fyi). I’ve never seen clothing models built like me till last week when I found the GRRRL clothing line (plus size models for most fashion companies are acceptable fat, ie. big boobs and ass, barely a stomach, thick but not too thick legs). As a kid, I never dreamed of being a princess because the only people who looked like me in Disney films were evil, or side characters who took care of the princess.
If conventionally attractive people are looking for a partner, they don’t have to worry about being fetishized, they can be loved for themselves, and their partner won’t be questioned as to HOW or WHY they can love them. Their relationship will not have to be justified or explained, they will not face questions of “so… Like, [the fat partner] is never on top, right?” or “doesn’t it kinda ruin the sex when you can’t just move [the fat partner] around?”. They won’t be the running joke among their friends. If both partners are fat, they get even more wonderful bullshit to deal with. When dating, conventionally attractive people won’t be accused of lying or misrepresenting themselves if they don’t post a full body picture and show up to a date fatter than what the date anticipated. Their bodies do not need to come with disclaimers.
I can count the number of times my former partners told me I’m beautiful without a “but” following it (3. With a “but” following it; 5). I remember almost every compliment given to me by friends that was explicitly about my physical appearence and that didn’t skirt around me being fat (there’s acceptable ways to compliment a fat person. Ie. You have a nice face/personality, that clothing is slimming on you, you look healthy, etc. I’m tempted to include cute, but I’m on the fence about that one)
I’m tired of being the bastion of self love, confidence, and body positivity for people whose only barrier in the way of their own self love and confidence is themselves. I didn’t have anyone to push me to this point where I can love myself and others completely, regardless of size. The only reason I am the way I am is because I’ve made myself this way, facing a society that’s continuously told me it’s wrong to be happy and love myself as I am.
Thin privilege is a huge source of social capital for many people. Some people come to depend on it, so much that they’ll go begging to people with no thin privilege for it.
A lot of effort can go into building your whole identity around looking thin enough to be 1) employable 2) dateable 3) medically treatable 4) some hipster’s muse. If tomorrow people stopped responding to social capital begging in the name of thin privilege then the value of that capital would drop and suddenly all that effort would be for nothing.
People whose thinness is a major reason they were employed or had their pick of romantic/fucking partners or were able to get the surgery they needed know, at some level, the value of thinness in their lives. That’s why you’re not going to find the vast majority of thin people doing any true work to devalue thin privilege. If anything, they’ll do a bunch of things that strengthen or maintain the value of thin privilege, whether they are engaging in those behaviors knowingly or not. Including horribly rude things like begging for thin privilege social capital from people who don’t have access to that social capital.
-ATL
I can so relate to this. Until I got into my 50′s and thus became invisible, I would get the “you’d be pretty if you’d just lose some weight” or “you have a pretty face, but..” compliments-which-aren’t-really compliments.
I also want to throttle every thin person who has ever done the “ugh I’m so faaaaaaaat” bit in the presence of me, an actual fat person. When I was younger, this upset me. Now it just irritates me. How fucking clueless can you be? What the fuck do you want me to say to you?
I’ve also come to the point where I just plain don’t like or trust physical appearance based compliments. If you like what I’m wearing, fine. If you include the word “slimming” in your assessment of my attire, I may well tie you into a pretzel shape and feed you to sharks. Fuck “slimming” and fuck “flattering” as well.
If someone (usually a guy who thinks I’m desperate and will give him the time of day and also sex) tells me I’m “beautiful,” my reply these days is usually “yeah tell me something I don’t know.” In truth, I don’t think I’m beautiful. On good days I think I’m about average. On bad days I think I’m a hideous monster. However, “beautiful” doesn’t mean jack shit to me. Compliment me on my work ethic, my creativity, my determination–anything but my looks. I don’t trust or appreciate appearance based compliments. It’s who we are, not what we look like that matters.
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Random Toughts 