I just don’t get it–how do girls my age or younger manage it? How are they capable of getting over their insecurities long enough to talk to someone of the opposite gender and make a strong enough connection for that person to want to start a relationship that surpasses that of talking, hanging out, and the occasional hug? Am I so incapable of human interaction that I can’t even work up the nerve to talk to someone my age and create an attachment? Sure, I talk to people. A lot of times more than I should. But I can never seem to find that sweet spot between too much and not enough flirting, talking, touching, whatever. And I know that a lot of people say that every once in a while, everyone needs a pity party, just by themselves. That it’s good, healthy even. And I don’t blame others, I don’t. It’s not their fault that I can’t seem to talk without word-vomiting on everyone and somehow managing to simultaneously act like Amy Farrah Fowler from the Big Bang Theory and Regina George from Mean Girls. And I try to be courteous. I try to act in a socially accepted manner, but… I don’t know how. And a lot of people tell me that I shouldn’t try to change the way I am, that the quintessential guy for me will look past/love me for my flaws and accept that I’m not perfect, that I’m not always going to look nice, that I can’t always hold it together and that I will bitch about things that shouldn’t be bitched about. But I should also not stay the same, that my opinions need to change constantly so I don’t offend the people around me and that I should keep my mind open and accept new ideas, thoughts, and feelings so as to stay within society’s boundaries of what’s accepted behavior and what is not.

“There are plenty fish in the sea” is a quote that I hear a lot. Directed right at me. By my mom, by my friends, even by myself, sometimes. But that’s what what I always hear. “You’ll find the right guy eventually,” or “He’s out there; you just have to find him first.” And many people say that I don’t need to find a person, that I can be my own being and do what I want to do, be who I want to be and the rest of the world can go fuck itself and it’s acidic ways of keeping people in their respective boxes. But what if I want to be with someone? What if I want to have the covers stolen and have the remote for the tv stuffed between the couch cushions where I can’t find it? Is it wrong to want someone with whom I can spend my time?

When asked what I wanted to do once I got out of high school by my counselor, I said I wanted to be a stay at home mom. And she scoffed at me. She said: “How can you even think of doing that? Women have fought tooth and nail to get to this stage in our society where we can go out and get jobs; it’s not an ideal system, but we’re working on it. How can you dare want to stay at home and play housewife when that’s what we as a gender have been trying to stop perpetuating as a stereotype amongst women?” So I signed up for college and am getting my degree in Early Childhood Education. Am I not allowed to want to stay home with my kids and take care of them and my husband? My sociology of gender class says that women are not, in fact, hardwired to care for others. Is it just society warping my brain to the point where what I think I want is not what I actually want at all, but something that is expected of me? Whenever I ask someone that, they tell me that I shouldn’t think about that kind of stuff and get back to my homework. But the more I think about it, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get to that point where I can make the decision to enter the workforce or stay at home with my kids, because I can’t seem to find anyone willing to hang around me long enough to find out.

My younger sister, at age 11, had a longer dating history than I do right now. I’ve never had sex, I’ve never kissed anyone, held anyone’s hand. But I fucking want to. Do I not have any aesthetic appeal? My mom says it’s because I cut my hair shorter than I should and that I don’t like to wear dresses and what society deems as “feminine” clothing. In essence, she thinks I look like a lesbian because of what I look like and what I wear. And I don’t have the body type for it. I have huge-ass tits, very wide hips,and a masculine set of shoulders and jaw line. I know I’m having a fucking pity party, but goddamnit, what I wouldn’t give for someone to actually notice me as something other than a chick who looks like a lesbian bitch. Is that too much to ask? Or am I not allowed to want someone because of how much I bitch about inconsequential things?

Usually, I am a very happy person. I have my ups and downs, but my ups definitely last a lot longer than my downs. However, when a down hits, it hits hard. My sister says that a lot of the time I’m too happy. That I kind of creep people out with how earnest and accommodating I am, but I only do it because otherwise, I am completely and utterly ignored, or worse, disliked. But people dislike me because I try. I guess I just haven’t found that sweet spot yet, nor do I think I will any time in the near future.